Nicest person you will ever meet in disguise: twisted psychopath

Over a hundred thousand people have read through to the end of this.

nerdindisguisebloodbound


Title: 
Nerd in Disguise: Blood Bound
Author:  lystrandra
Total views:  8,755,473
Final chapter views:  139,441
Stars:  277,421

Teaser:

I’m not a nerd by the way. I only look like one. I am under disguise as a nerd.

Google “Blood Bound the hedgehog” to discover my true identity.

I wouldn’t be acting so weak and timid just for any reason.

This is not my true self. This is not happening to me. I am so much better than all of these people.

These guys are lucky I’m laying low or else they’d be crying back to their mommas.

Their mommas couldn’t handle my bad side.

I seriously hate school sometimes.

Worst. School. Ever.

Do you know what I hate more?

Kakarot!

When some guy comes and ruins my disguise?

Wait, are you asking me or telling me?

Then, throw in some Family drama and people after my life.

You’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse.

Goodbye Nerd Disguise, hello old identity,old life, old friends, and new enemies.

Oooooooo ooo ooooo oooh
Did you see the frightened ones
Did you hear the falling bombs
The flames are all long gone
But the pain lingers on
Goodbye Nerd Disguise
Goodbye Nerd Disguise
Goodbye
Goodbye

(Unedited)

Naturally.

[Chapter 1] Nerd

“Watch it nerd,” he grunts as he runs into me, knocking my books out of my arms. I don’t dare make eye contact with him, mostly because he’ll see that I don’t have an ounce of fear in my eyes.

And then the jig would be up because as everyone knows, insensitivity to social cues and hierarchies is proof of pure awesome.

“Sorry, sorry,” I squeak in terror, gathering my books and rushing to my class. I hear the laughter of the guy and his friends, probably making fun of the scared little girl who ran away from them.

She could deshtroy them all wish her shweet ninjitshu skillsh, she just doeshn’t feel like it.

I clutch onto my golden pendant of my phoenix medallion tightly in anger. I didn’t want to play the timid, little nerd act. And that’s what it was, an act.

The other students clearly only mess with her because of her ‘scared little nerd’ act. They don’t realize how much better she knows she is than all of them.

I did it because it was the only way to lay low and not be discovered. No, I’m not a hidden celebrity or FBI agent. It’s a little bit more complex than that.

Oh, please don’t change the subject now!

I arrive in my class, the first one there like always, and head straight to the very back of the class. As a nerd, I should sit in the front like a good nerd is supposed to, but that’s where I draw the line.

I hate school with a passion.

There’s no way I’m going to sit in the front row to learn about stupid lessons. I’m not going to bother raising my hand for every question the teacher asks. That’s just annoying and a waste of time and energy.

She’s too good to put any effort into her disguise. That’s how we know she’s really in serious danger, hiding from a legitimate threat. The stakes are too high. I can’t take the suspense. I need a drink.

I already know almost everything about my courses. I studied the entire textbooks in the beginning of the year. Some I didn’t even need to read or study because I already learned it already. And the school administration claim these are special ‘advanced college-leveled’ courses. I expected more.

She already learned it already.

I pretend to scribble notes in class when really I’m observing everyone in the classroom. Sometimes, I doodle like a normal student. I’ve pretty much categorized every single person in this school, which was pretty tough considering how protected the files are.

Categories include: Lame, Stupid, Ugly, Bad Hair, Not As Smart As Me, Not As Pretty As Me, Not As Cool As The Real Me, Nowhere Near As Humble As Me, Would Never Kiss, Would Never Hang Out With, Would Never Speak To.

I’m in an elite, private high school of only 1,088 students. It’s a school where important people enroll their kids in and ship them off for the year. I guess you could call this a boarding school or something? Don’t even get me started on the name, it’s named Elite Prep, or maybe it’s Elite Academy. I’m sure there is an acronym in there, but I don’t really care to remember.

I guess this is a boarding school? I can’t really be assed to remember whether I sleep in a dormitory. I’m too smart to bother remembering things.

$10 says this insufferable little egomaniac won’t grow a soul by the end of the story, because the author has no idea how insufferable she is.

Chapter 40: EPILOGUE ❤

A/N Last chapter: I cry. My baby has grown up DX. Picture above to what I picked as the wedding dress and hair. However, I don’t quite like the flowers in the hair, so I guess everyone just use your creative imaginations!!

It’s not as if applying creative imagination is your job as a writer or anything.

What women want

“Women don’t even like harmless men. They hate them! They like to claw them apart! What women want are dangerous men who are civilized, and they want to help civilize them. That’s Beauty and the Beast.

“I’ll tell you a funny story (and only engineers could have come up with this because they’re the only ones that have the unparalleled blindness to social convention that would allow them to discover it) so the google engineers (I like engineers by the way, because they’re very straightforward), the google engineers wrote a book a while back called A Billion Wicked Thoughts which is a study of Internet searches, billions of them, literally. They were looking at a lot of pornography use. There’s lots known about male pornography use and it’s easy to understand, I mean, males are pretty visually oriented and what attracts them to pornography is fairly straightforward. You can tell that if you look at graffiti in a men’s washroom, y’know, it’s like, two circles and a triangle and the men are absolutely transfixed by it.

“For women the story is more complex. They use pornography too, but it tends to be literary because women tend to like words more than they like visual stimuli. So the google guys tried to track down the archetypal structure (though they didn’t use those words) of female pornography use. How many of you know what a Harlequin romance is? Okay good, so those are archetypal stories. That’s the taming of the wild man, essentially, by the desirable and virginal woman. If you think women don’t want that then you’d better bloody well come up with an explanation for Fifty Shades of Grey, which is the most rapid selling novel in human history, and it emerged at exactly the same time that all of this noise about the absence of gender roles is being produced en masse. It’s the perfect female fantasy. It’s exactly archetypically correct, it’s Beauty and the Beast.

“What the google guys showed was the structure of Beauty and the Beast (though they didn’t use that as a referent), that the female pornographic fantasy was: wild guy, somewhat careless about the wants and desires of others, attractive to everyone (therefore high status), tamed by the magic of a single woman and brought into a relationship with her.

“But here’s the comical part. This just made me laugh, man. What were the five categories of most desirable male entity used most broadly in female pornography? It’s so embarassing. Women you have to cover your heads while I say this.

“Vampire, werewolf, billionaire, surgeon, and pirate.”

— Jordan Peterson at the  Ottawa Public Library, March 11 2017. (source)

 

Does this makes you feel like a jell-O?

Beguiled is #9 in romance. Or #66.   Depends whether you trust the teaser or the sidebar.

Regardless, it is #1 in dirty talk.

beguiled

Title: BEGUILED
Author: Neha Dubey
Total views: 594,824
Final chapter views: 14,264
Stars: 1,480

Teaser:

“Anastasia,” he breathes, “Does this makes you feel weak in between your knees?”

“Does it send tingles down your toes?”

Trailing soft, sensual kisses across my nape he continues, “Does this makes you feel like a jell-O?”

“Do you zippity-bop puddin’ pops?”

I can feel his mouth and tongue working like magic on my skin as he speaks, “Does this one makes your breath go harder and leaves you panting for more, Anastasia?”

He rubs his mouthparts on me as he speaks, multitasking like magic, “Doev thif wum makz rr brev go hurrdurr and eefths juu panthung fr murr, Anathtbaslsia?”

His hands move down my neck, removing my hand which is shielding my bare breasts with the torn evening dress.

Bared and shielded at once, so too can my necktits magically multitask.

Cupping them each he plants a teasing kiss my lips, “Does this makes you feel butterflies in down there you were talking about?”

“Where does it go,” he breathes. “Where does I puts the penis parts?”

His breathing is harsh while I find myself panting heavily when his tongue thrusts into mine savouring the taste of wine and sending me tickles inside as his hands cup my breasts harder.

When he pierces my tongue with his tongue it tickles and tastes like wine. I am so wasted.

Unconsciously, my hands travel in his mane glistening like raw silk.

Unaware and yet still able to include it in the first person present tense narrative, I touch his mane which glistens like the type of silk that doesn’t glisten: “Raw silk is made from the short fibres left after combing and carding, so it doesn’t shine like many other silk fabrics.”

Holding him close, I discover myself melting into his kiss, until he pulls the final straw with a wicked gleam in his eyes.

Drawing straws to decide who will break the camel’s back is the next step after tongue-bloodletting in his mysterious and sexy mating ritual.

“And, sweet heart, can this sweep you away in love with me? What is it that you call?” He chuckles against my lips, “Head over heels in love?”

At that moment I realize his severe down syndrome was just a language barrier all along.

This gives me a shock. What the hell am I doing?

I can’t satisfy my retard fetish with this!

Love? No no it can’t happen. He is not mine. And I realise back again who he is! He just wants to use me. No way am I going to allow this. I won’t let my heart crushed away, again. But I am too weak to detach myself from him.

I have lost too much blood. I am paralyzed. And he won’t even give me a cookie so that I might recover my strength.

I cannot go on.

I am not putting slut shaming in my book

His Possession is currently the #1 “best vampire story” on Wattpad. Not “most popular,” not “most views,” not “most likes,” not “most comments,” but “best.” This is the silver tuna.

The story stars Richard Madden as Edward Cullen Christian Grey Dorian Gray Demonic Guy Damon Gray, because that’s what Wattpad wants you to do: rather than paint a subtle resemblance in your reader’s minds throughout the beginning of the story, just overtly cast actors in the characters’ roles and publish your cast list in the sidebar, where it will remain for quick and easy referencing in later chapters. Why show when you can tell? Your readers won’t retain what your writing shows them anyway.

SophieHayward96

Title: His Possession
Author: SophieHayward96
Total views: 3,208,697
Final chapter views: 71,255
Stars: 100,183

Teaser:

Amelia’s life is turned upside down

And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit down, K?
I’ll tell you how I became the posession of a vampire called Damon Gray.

when she is kidnapped, tortured, then soon to be sold to a vampire when she comes of age.

I wouldn’t like to be subjected to soon to be anything, but being subjected to soon to be sold to a vampire would be beyond the pale.

During an auction, she catches the eye of one vampire; Damon Gray.

Only one, at an auction? Ouch.

Damon is a very powerful, strong, and handsome, but tends to be cruel man.

That sucks man. But is he stoic? Is he secretly emotionally tortured?

He feeds on her

I hate Vampires. They are the most unsexy and unthreatening of all mythical monsters. Vampires are the mosquitoes of the fantasy world. But once I turn my spine rightside out again I’ll try to stop judging people for their cannibalistic bloodsport kinks.

and punishes her when she does something wrong.

Well, at least he’s a morally upstanding guy.

But after all this, she admires him. He gave her food and shelter. He gave her a place to call home.

He gave her a moral compass.

As the days pass, Amelia begins to feel emotions she thought she would never feel; jealousy and love.

If she expected to feel them it wouldn’t be a surprise, see.

Author’s Note:

I know you’re probably wondering, “What is the point of this Author’s Note?” but it is for you, mainly.

Who… m-me?

I have had a couple of people in the past make fanart for this book. Now I wanted to inform you that if you too wanted to {Do not worry as I am not and will never force you to make some}

Not even when I do something wrong?

[Submission details ensue.]

But as stated above, I am not forcing or telling you that you have to do it. It is your choice. If you don’t want to then don’t.

You protest so much I’m a little spooked. It’s like you would normally use a hidden backdoor to infest my computer with child porn and then threaten to tip off the cops unless I made you some fan art, but today you just don’t feel like it. Or do you?

Chapter One: Where It All Began

Life is different now the vampires had come out of the coffin.

When the grave robber lifted the coffin’s lid, one hundred — nay, one hundred thousand! — famished little vampires swarmed out into the fog, buzzing a tortured whine of eons, determined to thrust their hard, drooling probosci into the throbbing femoral arteries of innocents across the globe.

The world is now a dangerous place. Girls and boys are being taken off of the streets and into what the vampires call, “pet shops” to be sold to a vampire.  They will either become bodyguards or pets.

And every human adult is just too darn turned on by the news to do anything about it.

Either way, the vampires will feed on you until they don’t need you anymore. That’s when they tend to drain them dry or sell them to a friend of theirs.

How dependable is a bodyguard when he’s running on only half a tank of blood, anyway?

The world’s not as great as everyone thinks it is.

1 in 6 Americans is taking a psychiatric drug.

You are either the lion or the lamb.

And lo, the lion shall lie down with the lamb, and drink deeply of its blood, and get jiggy unto it.

My alarm started buzzing, indicating I had to get up as it was my first day back at school. I shot up in a cold sweat, panting and feeling around for bite marks or any marks that indicated I was hurt. I was clear. Thank God for that. Damn nightmares. I pulled off my quilt and swung my legs around. I was so tired from all the sleepless nights. I needed coffee.

Damn sleepless nights filled with nightmares and other dreams.

[Mother sings happy Birthday. Daughter doesn’t like it.]

Alarm clock + unwelcome mothering = safe and reliable opening?

“Well have a shower and get dressed. You will feel better. And please do not wear your smart clothes.”

“What is wrong with wearing something smart?”

“It’s your first day honey. You need to make an impression”

“No you want me to dress like the other girls at that school.”

“Yes that is exactly what I’m saying. You would fit in then.”

“You do know right that those girls purposely wear skirts that barely cover their ass and not to mention the crop tops that just cover their cleavage just in hopes to get a vampires attention. I think I will stick to the clothes I chose yesterday. I respect myself too much to degrade myself like they do.”

In this universe it is totally normal for young girls to openly fetishise and actively pursue their own brutalizations and deaths at the hands of supernatural monsters. And if parents  encourage their children to make themselves targets of kidnapping, rape and murder, that’s only a bit weird.

Okay I am having to put this because of too many comments about it being “slut shaming.”

What’s this? An author’s note crammed right in the middle of the first chapter to respond to a Feminist hate mob’s inline comments — inline comments which Wattpad, in order to be welcoming and user-friendly to everyone, does not allow writers to disable?

It clearly states that the girls who wear short skirts or shorts and crop tops are not wearing them as they are comfy, it clearly states that they are only wearing the short clothes in hopes of a vampire picking them. They don’t care what they wear just as long as it grabs a vampire’s attention.

I am not putting slut shaming in my book

Yes you are, and that’s fine.

because I don’t agree with it.

Yes you do — you think it’s shameful for women to be deliberately sexy to attract men. You think it’s only okay to wear sexy clothes if it’s because they are ‘comfy.’ Or is that just what your character thinks, and you don’t know what slut shaming is?

So please stop with messages to me saying I am a “slut shamer”

The only thing suggesting what you believe is your author’s note. Aside from that, it’s the character who is doing a bit of slut shaming, which is fine. Teenage girls slut shame all the time. And it makes some sense for this character, since if she was already slut to begin with the ensuing sex slavery wouldn’t be dramatic enough.

or a “heartless bitch” because that is not nice and cruel. So please stop. Thank you.

Wattpad is friendly Wattpad is welcoming Wattpad is a safe space Wattpad is friendly Wattpad is welcoming Wattpad is a safe space Wattpad is friendly Wattpad is welcoming Wattpad is a safe space Wattpad is friendly Wattpad is welcoming Wattpad is a safe space

“I only want you to fit in.” She sighed.

“Those girls are just walking vamp bait. At least wearing what I want means less chance of getting taken by them.”

“Just think about it will you?”

“Why? It sounds like you want me to be taken by the vampires.”

“No honey. Why would I want that?”

“Ignore that. I’m just going to get changed, wear what I want and then start to walk to school.”

“Okay honey. I will leave your presents on your bed for when you get back.”

“Thank you mom.” I smiled, kissing her cheek.

Bad news, Amelia: your mother is a robot zombie. Maybe a vampire minion. You are smart enough to notice that she’s trying to put you in a vulnerable position, and yet somehow you are not smart enough to keep your lips off her. Foreshadowing?

[Amelia showers and gets ready for school in order to provide us with a detailed description of clothing, hairstyle, accessories and physical characteristics.]

I’m bored.

Literally the first thing

After setting up Wattbad’s header and about page, I thought I’d drag my baited line through the Wattpad waters in search of a bite. This is literally the first thing I clicked on, and don’t you mistake that for a figure of speech. Let’s dive in.

Awwooooo

Title: My Brother’s Best Friend is my Mate?!
Author: WinDragon
Total views: 1,276,509
Final chapter views: 256,470
Stars: 23,529

Teaser:

“Mine,” he scowled as he looked directly through my eyes, as if he was staring deep into my soul. An ecstatic and euphoric scent made its way to me that sent shivers through every part of my body; from head down to the tip of my toes.

A look so dirty it can talk, plus about four cliches crammed into two sentences. We’re off to a great start.

‘Mate!’ screamed, my wolf.

Biological imperative!” screamed, Captain, Kirk.

He pinned me to the wall, both my hands on top of my head that was held together by his right hand.

Good thing he was there to stop your head falling apart. I hope you thanked him.

He leaned in closer to my face, so close that I could already feel his minty breath.

His ecstatically, euphorically, carnally minty breath.

Author’s Note:

This book contains a lot of mature and adult contents.

A whole table of them.

Don’t tell me I did not warn you.

You did not warn me.

If you can’t bear wrong grammars and cliché plots then I suggest you stop reading from here. This is my book and I don’t want you criticizing me or my book if it does not satisfy you or meet your expectations.

Ok.

ENJOY READING!

By your command.

Sapphire

Have you ever had that feeling that you literally want to break all the damn alarm clocks that has been invented just so you could go back to sleep?

I live so close to the center of the universe that whenever it’s time for me to wake up, every single alarm clock ever invented goes off. So my answer is yes.

I am literally itching to throw this stupid annoying little box across my room

You might want to have a doctor look at that.

but I can’t, it would cost me another 5 dollars to buy my 6th alarm clock this year! Despite the urge to break it again, nevertheless, I smashed it down and covered my face with a pillow and went back to sleep. Finally!

“The most effective way to spite one’s own urges is to act in perfect accordance with them.”
–Lord Henry Wotton

Just when I was about to set off to dreamland, my door suddenly flung open.

I had expected a slow and predictable flinging.

“Sapphire Kirsten, get your ass up and prepare for school! ” Ugh. Sometimes I actually wonder if my best friend is my mom. I mean come on, [long description of her friend doing stereotypical mom things]. It’s like a mother trapped inside an 18-year old body.

Does your friend also live in your house?

“Geez. Rachel it’s like freakin’ 6 in the morning. I need to sleep, more ” I whined as buried my face on the pillow even more but not the extent that I’m suffocating myself. I’d be dead by now.

And that would be a shame.

I should be partying and going to night clubs and all but never in my 17 years of existence in this world, I’ve experienced that. Why?

Because you’re actually only thirteen and have an extremely romanticised image of what it means to be four years older?

Simple, because I’m obliged to follow the rules and agreements in our Pack.

Oh. Duh.

Just like in the human world, I can only get imprisoned, get married and earn my driver’s license until I am 17.

But that’s wrong. Rules for humans are completely different from rules for werewolves: we can do all of those things after 17. But you’re a werewolf, which means that, as you said, once you turn 17 you’ll never go to prison, which is nice. You’ll also remain a bike-riding spinster until death, which is not so nice, but that’s the deal your foredoggies made for their progeny’s freedom.

And I still need to wait for freaking 6 months until I get to be liberated.  Sad life for me.

Liberated from imprisonment, from marriageability and from driving. It’s a tough deal, I know, but we can’t have free werewolves running around eviscerating their spouses and smashing their cars into things every full moon.

[Detailed descripion of clothing, accessories and perfume brands.]

I’m bored.