What women want

“Women don’t even like harmless men. They hate them! They like to claw them apart! What women want are dangerous men who are civilized, and they want to help civilize them. That’s Beauty and the Beast.

“I’ll tell you a funny story (and only engineers could have come up with this because they’re the only ones that have the unparalleled blindness to social convention that would allow them to discover it) so the google engineers (I like engineers by the way, because they’re very straightforward), the google engineers wrote a book a while back called A Billion Wicked Thoughts which is a study of Internet searches, billions of them, literally. They were looking at a lot of pornography use. There’s lots known about male pornography use and it’s easy to understand, I mean, males are pretty visually oriented and what attracts them to pornography is fairly straightforward. You can tell that if you look at graffiti in a men’s washroom, y’know, it’s like, two circles and a triangle and the men are absolutely transfixed by it.

“For women the story is more complex. They use pornography too, but it tends to be literary because women tend to like words more than they like visual stimuli. So the google guys tried to track down the archetypal structure (though they didn’t use those words) of female pornography use. How many of you know what a Harlequin romance is? Okay good, so those are archetypal stories. That’s the taming of the wild man, essentially, by the desirable and virginal woman. If you think women don’t want that then you’d better bloody well come up with an explanation for Fifty Shades of Grey, which is the most rapid selling novel in human history, and it emerged at exactly the same time that all of this noise about the absence of gender roles is being produced en masse. It’s the perfect female fantasy. It’s exactly archetypically correct, it’s Beauty and the Beast.

“What the google guys showed was the structure of Beauty and the Beast (though they didn’t use that as a referent), that the female pornographic fantasy was: wild guy, somewhat careless about the wants and desires of others, attractive to everyone (therefore high status), tamed by the magic of a single woman and brought into a relationship with her.

“But here’s the comical part. This just made me laugh, man. What were the five categories of most desirable male entity used most broadly in female pornography? It’s so embarassing. Women you have to cover your heads while I say this.

“Vampire, werewolf, billionaire, surgeon, and pirate.”

— Jordan Peterson at the  Ottawa Public Library, March 11 2017. (source)

 

Literally the first thing

After setting up Wattbad’s header and about page, I thought I’d drag my baited line through the Wattpad waters in search of a bite. This is literally the first thing I clicked on, and don’t you mistake that for a figure of speech. Let’s dive in.

Awwooooo

Title: My Brother’s Best Friend is my Mate?!
Author: WinDragon
Total views: 1,276,509
Final chapter views: 256,470
Stars: 23,529

Teaser:

“Mine,” he scowled as he looked directly through my eyes, as if he was staring deep into my soul. An ecstatic and euphoric scent made its way to me that sent shivers through every part of my body; from head down to the tip of my toes.

A look so dirty it can talk, plus about four cliches crammed into two sentences. We’re off to a great start.

‘Mate!’ screamed, my wolf.

Biological imperative!” screamed, Captain, Kirk.

He pinned me to the wall, both my hands on top of my head that was held together by his right hand.

Good thing he was there to stop your head falling apart. I hope you thanked him.

He leaned in closer to my face, so close that I could already feel his minty breath.

His ecstatically, euphorically, carnally minty breath.

Author’s Note:

This book contains a lot of mature and adult contents.

A whole table of them.

Don’t tell me I did not warn you.

You did not warn me.

If you can’t bear wrong grammars and cliché plots then I suggest you stop reading from here. This is my book and I don’t want you criticizing me or my book if it does not satisfy you or meet your expectations.

Ok.

ENJOY READING!

By your command.

Sapphire

Have you ever had that feeling that you literally want to break all the damn alarm clocks that has been invented just so you could go back to sleep?

I live so close to the center of the universe that whenever it’s time for me to wake up, every single alarm clock ever invented goes off. So my answer is yes.

I am literally itching to throw this stupid annoying little box across my room

You might want to have a doctor look at that.

but I can’t, it would cost me another 5 dollars to buy my 6th alarm clock this year! Despite the urge to break it again, nevertheless, I smashed it down and covered my face with a pillow and went back to sleep. Finally!

“The most effective way to spite one’s own urges is to act in perfect accordance with them.”
–Lord Henry Wotton

Just when I was about to set off to dreamland, my door suddenly flung open.

I had expected a slow and predictable flinging.

“Sapphire Kirsten, get your ass up and prepare for school! ” Ugh. Sometimes I actually wonder if my best friend is my mom. I mean come on, [long description of her friend doing stereotypical mom things]. It’s like a mother trapped inside an 18-year old body.

Does your friend also live in your house?

“Geez. Rachel it’s like freakin’ 6 in the morning. I need to sleep, more ” I whined as buried my face on the pillow even more but not the extent that I’m suffocating myself. I’d be dead by now.

And that would be a shame.

I should be partying and going to night clubs and all but never in my 17 years of existence in this world, I’ve experienced that. Why?

Because you’re actually only thirteen and have an extremely romanticised image of what it means to be four years older?

Simple, because I’m obliged to follow the rules and agreements in our Pack.

Oh. Duh.

Just like in the human world, I can only get imprisoned, get married and earn my driver’s license until I am 17.

But that’s wrong. Rules for humans are completely different from rules for werewolves: we can do all of those things after 17. But you’re a werewolf, which means that, as you said, once you turn 17 you’ll never go to prison, which is nice. You’ll also remain a bike-riding spinster until death, which is not so nice, but that’s the deal your foredoggies made for their progeny’s freedom.

And I still need to wait for freaking 6 months until I get to be liberated.  Sad life for me.

Liberated from imprisonment, from marriageability and from driving. It’s a tough deal, I know, but we can’t have free werewolves running around eviscerating their spouses and smashing their cars into things every full moon.

[Detailed descripion of clothing, accessories and perfume brands.]

I’m bored.